Past Work

  • Introducing the Bejant Observer

    November 9, 2019 by

    Fair and balanced. Welcome to the Bejant Observer. The editorial board proudly presents the University of St Andrews’s newest and boldest satirical magazine. After three years of life, love, and loss on our island of Canada Geese and moral relativism, we have decided to launch a much needed magazine to bring a healthy dose of… Read more


    June 18, 2021 by

    When King Alexander III broke his neck on the sands of Kinghorn just a few miles east of St Andrews in 1286, nearly two hundred years of peaceful relations between Scotland and England were stymied. What followed was a bloody and decades long succession crisis as a wide cast of claimants from across Britain sought… Read more

  • April 14, 2021 by

    Every great society, from the satrapies of Ur and Babylon to the ‘grande empire’ of Napoleon, was made or broken by the strength of its high street shops. Regulations, divined behind closed doors and handed down by cruel diktat, only allow so-called ‘essential shops’ to remain open. But who voted for these occult mechanisms, these… Read more

  • Student Believes This Semester Will Be Better

    December 28, 2020 by

    Last Saturday, our editorial team sat (far away) from fourth-year Classicist and serial optimist Landon Smegg, of Rugby, England. Though this past year has proved challenging for many socialites, who have rued the cancellation of events like Reeling Ball and secret club initiations, some students, like Mr Smegg, remain hopeful. “No, seriously, with the vaccine… Read more

  • Our November Picks

    November 12, 2020 by

    What we are watching We are watching McDonald’s ASMR-ish with John Goodman, a video so powerful that it was scrubbed from the internet on every platform but Vimeo and a single fake Texas McDonald’s Facebook account. One time Golden Globe and Emmy winner, John Goodman, is utterly captivating in his review of the new Quarter… Read more

  • A Letter from the Editor from Beijing

    November 3, 2020 by

    Dear Readers, Thanks to those of you who have written in with concern or with questions regarding the unfortunate decrease in the amount of B.O. content of late. I am now in a position, both physically and psychologically, where I am able to address your queries.  Let me say first off that I am here… Read more

  • Gagging for help

    September 25, 2020 by

    Fresher’s Flu is a well known affliction upon arrival at uni. It is an intrinsic part of the university experience as well as a unifying bond amongst the student body. However, in entering my third year I appear to be dealing with something else entirely, and NO, not what you’re thinking. That’s a cheap shot… Read more

  • Opinion: ‘American’s Shouldn’t Have to Quarantine’

    September 13, 2020 by

    Facts don’t care about your feelings, and the fact is I feel fine. Just a few hours ago I stepped off of a business class flight directly from Philadelphia International Airport to Toronto, then Cuba, a short layover at JFK, before finally traversing Greenland, Iceland, and landing in Edinburgh. Before I got on that flight… Read more

  • Personifying STDs

    September 5, 2020 by

    “What terrible plague hath befallen this place?”             “Ah, sire…The plague called love. I know it well! But, tarry not! A greater foe readies himself as we speak.”   “Pray, do not mock me! Share this knowledge with me, mayhap I bring glory to God and save all of our souls. I make this pledge… Read more

  • Student Spotting

    June 14, 2020 by

    As May bleeds into June, and the UK enters its third month of lockdown, St Andrews remains a desolate wasteland. Seagulls cannibalise each other, searching for something – anything, really – to fill in that gaping absence of the Greggs sausage roll. No hipsters are skateboarding to the library; only the lingering scent of their… Read more

  • Update: Nothing to Report

    June 6, 2020 by

    FROM THE EDITORS: Over and above its desire to make St Andrews students laugh, the Bejant Observer recognises the seriousness of current events in the United States and elsewhere. The below article is the first factual journalistic piece filed under the Observer’s News desk. It seeks to explain the controversy over Principal Sally Mapstone’s latest… Read more

  • Sally Mapstone AI Version 3 Fails Turing Test

    May 22, 2020 by

    When St Andrews students opened their email accounts on May 21 to find a 1067 word document comprised of 25 grammatically sound but thematically disjointed paragraphs it became immediately clear that the correspondence had been composed by some sort of semi-sentient robot. In an interview today with the Bejant Observer an IBM spokesperson has confirmed… Read more

  • Our April Picks

    April 25, 2020 by

    What we are watching April is shit. Life is kinda dull and content is slow. That is why we are spending the month watching the Louis Theroux documentary catalogue where we can delight in his tender moments with Scientologists, Jimmy Saville, Joe Exotic (before it was cool), and opioid addicts in the US. What we… Read more

  • Goodnight Moon(er): An Early Morning Bedtime Tale

    April 19, 2020 by

    In a great brown room There was a hapsburg chin And a poison flume And a vision of- A lass unveiled beneath the moon And there were three little heirs sitting on chairs And two fair maidens Their rears unladen  And leafless gamin Sent to ease their famine And a pint and a cask, and… Read more

  • Students take part in traditional St Andrews Pier Walk

    April 13, 2020 by

    Every Sunday, after chapel service, hundreds of students at the University of St Andrews don their iconic red academic gowns and take part in the traditional Pier Walk along the harbour walls of St Andrews. The Pier Walk is one of the oldest customs in St Andrews, encapsulating the university’s dedication to traditional values and… Read more

  • Follow The Money: Where Did The Rest Of Your Polo Refund Go?

    April 6, 2020 by

    The 1976 Oscar-nominated film “All the President’s Men” covers the true story of Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein who broke the Watergate Scandal. In the film and in real life, whistle blower “Deep Throat” encouraged the reporters to “follow the money” and discover just how high up the scandal went. Earlier this… Read more

  • Our March Picks

    March 8, 2020 by

    In the first pick-series for The Bejant Observer, the editorial board has put together a list of inspiring content across platforms and borders. What To Watch Our clear favorite for this month is the Youtube channel “All Gas No Breaks”. He is a true voice of the people and has figured out a Pulitizer-worthy formula.… Read more

  • Unrequited Love: An Ode to a Union Bartender

    February 17, 2020 by

    Dove Cameron once said that her boyfriend Thomas, featured in Disney Channel’s Descendants 2 and 3, challenged her not to break eye contact with him on their first date. In that moment she reported the first passionate spirals of love. They laughed together, they cried together, and above all they saw their own reflections. I… Read more

  • A Welsh Invasion?

    February 10, 2020 by

    “We just don’t know how we let this happen” As a result of new admissions guidelines, the incoming University of St Andrews class of 2024 will include an unprecedented number of Welsh students. The University of St Andrews Admissions Department has adopted new university guidelines for the 2019-2020 undergraduate admissions cycle; the modified admissions process… Read more

  • Deadly Coronavirus Traced to Condemned Mammacita

    February 3, 2020 by

    Bombshell reports arrived Sunday from the Ministry of Health of the People’s Republic of China, confirming that they had traced the deadly coronavirus to its source. The virus, which has killed over 80 people and infected thousands across the globe, was originally thought to originate in Wuhan, Hubei Province. The Chinese government, in response, has… Read more

  • Parents concerned after student commits to dry January

    January 13, 2020 by

    Parents of second year history student Benjamin Pearis have recently voiced concerns regarding their son’s wellbeing following his announcement to commit to dry January. Frank and Rosemary have taken the decision to speak out about his choice in the hope of warning other young adults and their families about the perils of giving up alcohol.… Read more

  • Market Street Dominos™: A Deep-Dish Dive into the Culinary Underbelly

    December 18, 2019 by

    Cheesy, rich, buttery, gooey, – that can only describe one thing, and that thing is pizza. More importantly, it is the pizza from our very own Michelin-bedazzled Domino’s pizzeria.  Spearheaded by the world-renowned chef Giuseppe Rossi Russo Ferrari Esposito Bianchi Romano Colombo Ricci Marino de Pisano, whose controversial take on fusion food pushes the boundaries… Read more

  • St Andrews Conservative Society promises they’re more than just one really loud guy

    December 12, 2019 by

    During his 1969 presidential campaign, the ever stoic Richard Nixon pleaded for the support of  ‘the great silent majority’—a class of people whose cowardly disinterest in politics and disregard for social justice he believed would secure him the election. Since then, this mysterious group has continued to receive attention across global politics and in 2014,… Read more

  • Flatmate is Yet to Speak to The Rest of The House

    December 6, 2019 by

    Third-year Computer Science and Economics student John McBride is yet to speak to his flatmates after three months of living together. A graduate of Milford Academy, John has come to epitomise the growing number of St Andrews students who thrive in solitude. “Sometimes I won’t leave the flat for a while, maybe even a few… Read more

  • UCU strikers gain support from passionate students

    December 3, 2019 by

    As the second week of the UCU strikes roll into effect, St Andrews University staff get increasingly creative with their protest. Long gone are the drums and vuvuzelas outside Castle House and the picket lines outside the Buchanan theatre. The students are now getting involved at an unprecedented level. Last Saturday, over 800 St Andrews… Read more

  • Contextual power explored in Disney’s ‘Frozen 2’

    December 2, 2019 by

    Frozen 2 is the worst piece of rat-bag garbage that has ever been put to the big screen. Ever. It is probably the biggest piece of eye-gouging torment that I have ever seen. Apparently the US military uses it at Guantanamo to torture ISIS militants. It literally made no sense. Like AT ALL. I was… Read more

  • Tesco’s Rising Stars: Self-service Checkout Machines

    December 2, 2019 by

    TI-3814, a Tesco self-service checkout machine, has recently been promoted to assistant manager of the St Andrews Tesco location. The promotion opens doors for culture career opportunities, as well as several other company benefits, including insurance for routine maintenance checkups and a longer lunch break. Installed in 2017, TI-3814 has been an invaluable addition to… Read more

  • Dunhill Recap: An Interview with Justin Timberlake

    November 12, 2019 by

    Following Justin Timberlake’s performance at Dunhill in St Andrews last month, The Bejant Observer’s Theodore Rumball was lucky enough to catch him for a quick interview at the 18th hole. Here’s what Mr. “Dick in a Box” had to say. Interviewer: So, Justin, how does it feel to be playing at the Old Course? Justin… Read more

  • Sponsored Content: Why You Should Invest in the TaintPass

    November 12, 2019 by

    THE TIME: half-one in the A.M. THE PLACE: a rainy and bone-chillingly cold corner of Market Street. YOU: piss-drunk, empty-stomached, and alone in both the literal and epistemological sense. Good God, you think. Wouldn’t a toastie just hit the spot right now? IN YOUR POCKET: not more than 45p in spare change. Do you despair?… Read more

  • Man of absolutely no relevance involved in St Andrews car crash

    November 9, 2019 by

    St Andrews made headlines last month after a man of absolutely no relevance was involved in a car crash on Greyfriars Gardens. The pile up affected virtually every vehicle on the street, diverting police resources to perhaps the largest collision/ road rage / paranormal activity / drink driving incident that the town has experienced in… Read more

  • The 100 Best Turkish Barbers In St Andrews

    October 8, 2019 by

    #100 Dervish Pulling in at the rear while still making the cut of this prestigious list is Dervish, located at 13 Bell Street in St Andrews. The pleasant smells of roasting kebab filled our noses as we entered the shop. The humble working man could be seen sharpening his hair cutting instruments behind the stalls.… Read more

  • Hall Warden Exerts Power Over Powerless

    October 8, 2019 by

    FROM THE EDITORS: As part of the Observer’s longstanding tradition of hard-hitting investigative journalism, one of our reporters was able to obtain screenshots of a private email chain between first year David Samuels, the recently elected Head of Events for James Brown Hall (JBH), and Deputy Warden Ben Lewis-Sanfor. These emails reveal a deep pattern… Read more

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