Personifying STDs

“What terrible plague hath befallen this place?”

            “Ah, sire…The plague called love. I know it well! But, tarry not! A greater foe readies himself as we speak.”

  “Pray, do not mock me! Share this knowledge with me, mayhap I bring glory to God and save all of our souls. I make this pledge before you now, I will not cease in this battle until my final breath hath been wrought.”

            “My liege…this evil… I tremble at its utterance alone. Tis called Chlamydia.”

A newly discovered excerpt from the Tales of King Arthur, detailing the uncomfortable conversation where Merlin must tell Arthur he’s been infected with chlamydia because Guinevere is a hoe.

Tale as old as time. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Years into the relationship boy gets gonorrhea and claims, “I just feel like monogamy goes against our baser instincts. My hormones just make me want to procreate all the time. It’s evolution, you know?” Unfortunately,  he has confused the procreation of gonorrhea with a human infant, but everybody makes mistakes. Go forth into the world, young stallion.

Potentially the only positive aspect of 2020 thus far is a decrease in rampant venereal diseases. However, with school back in session in the coming weeks I urge you to be on guard. I know you’re touch starved.

I know you pause podcasts to share your opinion on the matter at hand into an empty room. I know the poster on your wall of a man in a wife beater, his lustrous locks flowing behind him, eternally lingering on the precipice between feral ruggedness and the man bun of a metrosexual is the only thing that makes you feel something anymore.

Nevertheless, you must keep fighting the good fight. Gay, straight, or bi, the only person you should throw caution to the wind for is Keanu Reeves. Stavros, with a time share in St Tropez, is simply not worth genital warts. Therefore, I felt it was my civic duty to make a list of my favorite STDs in order to get this conversation going. 

5. Herpes

Well All Righty Then! Ace Ventura 3 Is Reportedly In The Works

Good old fashion herpes. Reliable. Salt of the Earth. When your friend informs you that a loose acquaintance has it, you only allow yourself a brief exhalation, expressing your satisfaction and wonder what kind of karma they’ve got. The easiest STD to start a rumor about. A fun flirtation of will they-won’t they because although you don’t really know how it works, it’s a bit of a roulette situation. Live dangerously. But bring dental dams.

4. Chlamydia

St. Andrews is no stranger to this guy. More specifically, Reg’s. I won’t rehash that tragedy.  Listen, previous to attending St Andrews the only thing that I knew about Chlamydia was that the guy from twilight (the blonde guy who wanted to kill Bella in the ballet studio) who also played that other character in Easy A (who had the affair with the teacher) got chlamydia and was in the hospital bed like screaming and crying cause he was supposed to be a born again virgin. Maybe he was less upset that he had it and more because the cat was out of the bag that he was cheating on his girlfriend, but I don’t know. Also said cat had chlamydia so.

3. Pubic Lice

Coming in at number 3 is pubic lice, affectionately known as crabs. Points awarded for the cute nickname. My cousin once took a picture of me at a seafood restaurant, firmly in the throes of puberty, and captioned the photo “Got Crabs?”. While retrospectively mortifying, I leave it up out of respect. Everyone needs a bit of character building.

2. Gonorrhea

Isn’t there a rumor you can get this from a toilet seat? It’s probably not true, but what a reputation! Total bad boy. If Gonorrhea was a man, he’d have an eyebrow piercing and well hidden opioid addiction. Resistant to most known antibiotics and constantly evolving. Next thing you know you’ll see him owning his own yoga studio-juice bar fusion.

  1. Syphilis

How do I describe my number one? In compiling this list, I’ve become disgusted at how fondly I think of syphilis. I think about syphilis in the way that I think about an old friend. Most likely because some of my favorite historical figures have had this one. Leo Tolstoy. Al Capone. Friedrich Nietzsche. Benjamin Franklin! The absolute man, Ben Frank. Vegetarian. abolitionist. Face of the hundred dollar bill. Syphilis! Even Hitler had it, which can only mean one thing. Syphilis is the Slytherin of STDs. It has equal capacity for good and evil. At the end of the day, it’s what you do with your syphilis.


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