In a recent tweet, University of St. Andrews Vice Chancellor Sarah Globerock announced that she will auction University assets to make up the £25 million the University lost from research grants and other funding because of COVID-19. Among the objects for sale are the remains of Andrew the Apostle that St Rule allegedly brought with him to Fife in the eighth century. Believed to be lost until now, Dr Globerock had this to say in her announcement:
‘Here at the University of St Andrews we pride ourselves on lack of transparency and a ruthless drive to reach our financial projections. That is why I am pleased to announce that for the past 600 years we have operated the University has, in fact, held possession of the bones of Saint Andrew. We are prepared to sell these to the highest bidder to make up our unfortunate deficit in order to finish our unnecessary and wildly expensive building projects and to remain the leading institution in parting students from their money.’
Dr Globerock went on to tout the practical applications of the relics. ‘There are a variety of occult rituals which can only be performed using these bones,’ she said. When asked whether University officials had ever dabbled in the occult, she added with a cryptic chuckle: ‘Well, let me just say that we didn’t beat Oxbridge in the Guardian league tables through the strength of our Film Studies programme.’ Two Russian oligarchs and the Sultan of Brunei are reported to be among the interested parties.
In addition to the relics, Dr Globerock mentioned that the University would also be leasing the castle grounds to HBO for a Game of Thrones spin-off titled ‘Little Finger’s Little Finger’ and selling equity in other assets such as the corpse of Vladimir Lenin and the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney.
‘There is no magical pot of money. But if there were I can assure you it would be spent poorly,’ Dr Globerock reportedly commented.
J Hurd Rodgers III
Photos provided by Oldashburton.com, Financial Times, and St Andrews Church