If the University of St Andrews is known for one thing other than being the home of the Scottish reformation, it’s fashion.
Whether you find yourself stuck in your badlands flat, a condemned Agness Blackadder Hall, or your parents’ timeshare in Bali, you deserve to look good during this lockdown while venturing outside for your state-mandated exercise or shopping. Please consider these timeless looks which have shaped our memories of some of history’s HOTTEST pandemics.
1. The Plague Doctor
A timeless classic, this 17th century ‘fit is both functional and phallic, featuring an avian type beak hallowed out for the storage of flowers. Often worn in black, the plague doctor’s robe and leather cowl matches the style of Rick Owens.
2. The Influenza Nurse
A century ago many of our great grandparents donned these shapely and blinding white robes. They chose not to smile in photographs, but with your face covered you won’t have to. This outfit screams ‘good girl’ and ‘I’ve witnessed the deaths of millions.’
3. Coals On Your Head
In his famous Journal of the Plague Year (1665) Daniel Defoe recounted composer Solomon Eagle’ descent into madness on the streets of London,
I suppose the world has heard of the famous Solomon Eagle, an enthusiast. He, though not infected at all but in his head, went about denouncing of judgment upon the city in a frightful manner, sometimes quite naked, and with a pan of burning charcoal on his head. What he said, or pretended, indeed I could not learn.
By fumigating the air around him Eagle was fighting an airborn virus while naturally bringing attention to his chiseled physique. Those attempting to emulate this look should try and do so outside of enclosed areas and with environmentall friendly sources of fuel.
4. Hockey Mask
If you’re going to wear a facemask (which you should), why make it boring? Surely it would be much better to remind those passing you on the street of their favourite teen movie Friday The 13th and the national sport of Canada.
5. 19th Century Ceremonial Fungal Mask
This ceremonial Nepalese mask carved out of a hardened fungus is guaranteed to make people stay away from you—ultimately benefiting both parties by curbing the spread of the virus and abiding by legal norms. It is handmade and comprised of strictly natural ingredients. Cursed with the blood of a virgin, this mask grants its wearer protection from dark spirits and government facial recognition software.
L. W. S.