As a result of new admissions guidelines, the incoming University of St Andrews class of 2024 will include an unprecedented number of Welsh students.
The University of St Andrews Admissions Department has adopted new university guidelines for the 2019-2020 undergraduate admissions cycle; the modified admissions process was intended to allow for greater equality among student applicants from the UK. Echoing the spirit of Brexit, the new guidelines stipulate that students applying from within the UK are now to be considered simply as ‘British’. The idea behind the change is that, rather than the accepting a predetermined number of ‘Scottish’, ‘English’, ‘Irish’, and ‘Welsh’ students, the Admissions Dept. should offer places to students solely based on merit. While the intentions behind the change may have been good, nobody could have foreseen the ramifications…
Following the close of the 2019-2020 admissions cycle, the University lifted the ‘British’ umbrella and took stock of the next class of St Andrews freshers. The results were shocking. Although the new admissions scheme had been touted as a ‘flawless system’, it nonetheless seemed to favor applicants from a particular part of the UK over others: Wales. Consequently, the incoming University of St Andrews class of 2024 will be comprised of over 75% Welsh natives. Students from other countries, specifically England (commonly referred to as “that place next to Wales”), were severely cucked by the intellectual superiority of Welsh applicants.
However, such a sudden influx of Welsh is not something that is novel to today’s St Andrews. In fact, students need only to look to 2004 when busses of fundemantalist Welsh flooded the town to protest the performance of Corpus Christi—a thought provoking and gay reimagining of Christ’s life. **I wish this part was satirical, but this actually happened and the university even put the Saint on probation for its ‘bigotted’ reporting.**
Angered because in no time over the last 600 years St Andrews has been a Scottish University, Fife local and 3rd year Sustainable Oil student Daniel Drumnadrochit told reporters that “It’s almost beyond belief (apart from the fact that I have secretly suspected the Welsh of evil doings ever since they spawned the caterwauling Charlotte Church)”.
When asked about how such she could let such an ethnically concentrated class of students be admitted under her watch, university Supreme Chancellor and waterpark enthusiast, Sarah Globerock responded, “I guess the Welsh are just really on it with primary and secondary education right now”. While she did express some regret regarding her role in the matter, she nonetheless seemed to wholly welcome the idea of a greater Welsh presence at St. Andrews. Taking a moment to breath whilst franticly inhaling a massive platter of Welsh rarebit, Ms. Globerock croaked “say goodbye to St Andrews, and bore da to Cardiff annex.”