Bombshell reports arrived Sunday from the Ministry of Health of the People’s Republic of China, confirming that they had traced the deadly coronavirus to its source. The virus, which has killed over 80 people and infected thousands across the globe, was originally thought to originate in Wuhan, Hubei Province. The Chinese government, in response, has quarantined the entire area and forbidden anyone to come or go without government permission. Local residents were quoted saying that didn’t notice the travel restrictions because “they’re weren’t allowed to leave in the first place.”
However, new DNA evidence released this week may offer proof that the virus was initially contracted by a cash strapped first year student who encountered an expired pack of Corona beer in Mamacita’s. Patient X had allegedly spent over 24 hours in the condemned Mexican restaurant after taking a wrong turn on their way to Empire, and spent that time imbibing on the cerveza de Mexica. Upon being discovered by construction workers the next morning, Patient X began to display a strange pattern of symptoms ranging from acute hypochondria, to those mimicking the infamous Groat’s Disease.
In response, the University of St Andrews said it would be postponing plans to contruct a new upscale nightclub on the site of Mammacita’s that would only admit creepy old men and Global Investment Group sychophants until a full investigation into the building has been completed. This decision was met with white-hot vitriol from the American students, and a mild apprehension from probably everyone else. University President Sarah Globe-Rock, a completely real person of completely no importance, said she would consider monitoring students from the Corona producing country of Mexico, as well as “those coming from Asia, since that’s what the racists on St Andrews Anonymous think should happen.”
Our publication contacted a member of the Mexican government for a statement on how their beloved Corona product could be causing a global plague. They gave this statement:
“¿Virus de Corona? ¡Dios Mio!”
-W. Alex Jones, Pisces ’21