Parents concerned after student commits to dry January

Parents of second year history student Benjamin Pearis have recently voiced concerns regarding their son’s wellbeing following his announcement to commit to dry January. Frank and Rosemary have taken the decision to speak out about his choice in the hope of warning other young adults and their families about the perils of giving up alcohol.

Mr Pearis, a 56 year old craft beer enthusiast and self-styled ‘man’s man’ is deeply saddened by his son’s decision and is particularly worried by potential repercussions on Benjamin’s health. ‘He’s naive to think that these hangover free years will last forever. Next thing he knows he won’t be able to handle a few tinnies before bed without falling victim to an all-encompassing headache, let alone maintain the ability to function after a full evening in the pub’.

Frank and Rosemary’s worries also extend to how Mark’s lifestyle change might affect his academic pursuits. ‘He’s a history student for Christ’s sake. And second year – it doesn’t even count. I don’t want £9000 worth of tuition fees to be wasted on hard work and Heineken ‘0.0’.  If we’d wanted him to take the world of academia seriously we’d have pushed Oxbridge.’

Image result for drunk prince william"
A properly drunk St Andrews alumnus

Mark’s parents fear his decision is a sign that he is succumbing to the inescapable bubble of peer pressure’ rife across the nation’s universities. ‘These snowflakes think that they’re saving the planet, but I’ll have you know this country wasn’t built on teetotalism. Maybe things will change next month, but for now we’re just glad it’s not Veganuary’.

Mr and Mrs Pearis are requesting their privacy at this difficult time.


Daphne A., Asparagus ’21

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