Drone Operator Claims to Have Suffered “Character Assassination” of Public Image

The US military utilizes UAV’s in a variety of roles, none of which are more criticized than the use of “hunter-killer” Predator Drones to kill supposed enemies of the United States. The Drone Program has been repeatedly criticized for violating human rights, international sovereignty, and executing American citizens without trial; it has also been noted for increasing world tensions, particularly after it was used to kill the Iranian General Quasem Solaimani. However, we spoke to the operator of one of these drones, who claims that the program has suffered “character assassination by the media.” He wants to set the record straight about humble drone operators like himself and reassure everyone he is just another God fearing American.

“Hi, my name is CLASSIFIED and I’m a drone operator at CLASSIFIED Air Base! We sure do have a lot of fun here. From playing shirtless beach volleyball with the naval aviators, to giving cigarettes to troops under 21, the US military is just awesome, and there’s no better position than being in the Drone Program. There’s been a lot of buzz about the program recently with the death of Qasem Soleimani, with some calling it an assassination. Honestly, though, it is us in the Drone Program who are the real assassination victims, assassination of character that is! Please, let me cut through the noise and give you some unedited facts about what we do.”

“Playing shirtless beach volleyball with the naval aviators”
Image provided by Paramount Pictures.

“Our program really has done a lot of good for our country. Why, just in the last month, we’ve killed neutralized over 17 124 potential known terrorists this month with only a 57.9 13.62 percent civilian collateral damage death rate, which was totally avoidable unfortunate. Incredible success story really! We caught these people in the act of tending to their gardens WMD’s and holding weddings terrorist recruitment drives. Our local dictator freedom-loving allies love to demonstrate support for what we’re doing, that’s why they held a large protest parade outside our Baghdad embassy last week!”

Unedited facts”
Image provided by fortune.com

“Now, there are some folks out there who try to detract from the program, and say that what we do classifies as a “war crime,” a “flagrant violation of international law,” or even something “expressly against what the Founding Fathers wanted for America.” Hah! How misled some people are. The fact is, we keep America safe from the terrorist bad guys, and nothing gives those bad guys more power than criticizing what we’re doing. It’s like a Jedi Mind Trick.”

“So remember boys and girls of the world, when you go to bed at night, you can sleep soundly knowing that there’s a Predator drone buzzing slightly over your head, watching, ready, and waiting to release 108 pounds of Hellfire-missile-shaped freedom on anyone who gets in America’s way. And please, know that it’s not the fault of us drone operators if somebody gets in the way occasionally. We’re just following orders anyway.”

“108 pounds of Hellfire-missile-shaped freedom”
Image provided by Comic book Cartoon Pop Art.

“Sweet dreams!”

Staff Sargent CLASSIFIED, United States Drone Pilot


By W. Alex Jones, Pisces ’21

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