Frozen 2 is the worst piece of rat-bag garbage that has ever been put to the big screen. Ever. It is probably the biggest piece of eye-gouging torment that I have ever seen. Apparently the US military uses it at Guantanamo to torture ISIS militants. It literally made no sense. Like AT ALL. I was an hour into this 1:45 behemoth of a film when I just started counting the lights on the ceiling in the cinema; 26 total actually.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Disney movies, and I thoroughly enjoyed the original Frozen. In what Frozen 2 lacked in essentially every aspect of the film, it is ever so slightly made up for by the amazing visual display brought to life by Disney’s brilliant animation team. They payed attention to every detail, the scenery was gorgeous, and the character movement was true. This valiant effort, however, served merely as a small breath of fresh air in the vast, stinking, garbage dump that is Frozen 2.
There was not a single decent song. Unlike the fantastically catchy music in Frozen, which was brought to life by beautiful and lively vocals, Frozen 2, in which Disney somehow managed to squeeze a ludicrous 46 songs into the entire ordeal, offered an oversaturated, melancholic, and monotone. You know how every snowflake is different? Well, the score played throughout the film was precisely…not. They were all essentially the same. More often than not, the musical numbers entered the story in such a sporadic manner that their purpose served to distract from the plot, not add to it. In all honestly, gun to my head, I could not tell you a single lyrics of any song – click, BANG.
They were all sad and were mostly sounding like what I can only describe as moaning (?).
This was all played into the background of Olaf’s depression; he should never have made self-aware, fore now he can only see him-self as different, an outsider, a monster. Throughout the film, Olaf slowly begins to comprehend the that the socio-economic pressures which shackle his society transcend the antiquated, anachronistic, and whiggish notions of royalty and divine right; but he gets over it.
I don’t even think that the kids enjoyed it. I saw a family two rows up where at least three wee girls dressed as princesses grimly, no, solemnly, just got up and left; their faces, deadpan and bleak, their eyes, emotionless, their souls, broken and purposeless, and their parents behind them, bitter and defeated, yet relief had already begun to wash over them. I wish I had done the same.
The box office reviews were surprisingly honest, and offered strong critici… Oh wait, NO THEY DIDN’T. As of the time of this writing, Frozen 2 has grossed over $739 million, and I… I think…I think I’m having a heart attack.
William P. B. ’21