THE TIME: half-one in the A.M. THE PLACE: a rainy and bone-chillingly cold corner of Market Street. YOU: piss-drunk, empty-stomached, and alone in both the literal and epistemological sense. Good God, you think. Wouldn’t a toastie just hit the spot right now? IN YOUR POCKET: not more than 45p in spare change. Do you despair? NO!! With admirable foresight and unimpeachable prudence, you opted earlier that day to purchase a TaintPass™, affording you a 10% discount at Toastie Bar (as well as nearly a dozen other locations around St Andrews) and saving your night from total ruin.
This was exactly the situation that I, Joshua Zimmerman, and my twin brother, David found ourselves in on one misbegotten second-year’s eve — except that we had not yet invented the TaintPass™ and we returned to our Hope Street flat hungry and dejected. I have not had the privilege of serving Queen and Country, and yet, in the spirit of our nation’s greatest heroes, I distinctly remember thinking that night: Never again. In this sense maybe I am a kind of soldier, a sort of Andy McNab fighting behind the enemy lines of the St Andrews business establishment.
Armed with a partially liquidated trust fund, our dream, and all the knowledge of MN2112 Enterprise and Creativity, David and I founded TaintPass™ Limited.
All right, Joshua, I can hear you, Dear Reader, interjecting at this point. We all know how brave and enterprising you are — it’s the cornerstone of your enviable BNOC status. But why should I spend my father’s hard-earned money on a discount card? Aren’t discounts for poors, anyway?
Let me lend you a little insight I’ve gleaned from my time on the committee of high-fashion shows (picture me leaning in very close as I tell you this): poor is the new posh. Discount cards are the new Amex Centurion cards. Trash bags are the new ball gowns. And my flatmate’s crushed up Ritalin is the new cocaine. Do you get the picture?
And I’ll let you in on another secret: the real money comes from selling your TaintPass™, not using it. For just five easy one time payments of £19.95, you can become a certified TaintPass™ distributor and its associated merchandise. You get a 2% commission on every TaintPass you sell, sure, but once again, the real money comes from you recruiting new members to our distribution network, earning you up to another 30% commission into your pocket.
You see, TaintPass™ is revolutionizing the way we think about small business. By building our team from the ground up, we’ve been able to apply a strategy that our professors in the management department have termed ‘multi-level marketing’. I think this term makes sense because there are levels that build on one another. First, picture a triangle. At the top are the early investors (of which you could be one!) and below is a growing, stable network of entrepreneurs, each recruiting as many of their own salespeople as possible.
It looks a little something like this:
I’m going to be real with you, Dear Reader. This is an opportunity more valuable than my 2:2 in single honors management or any internship at my dad’s company: your time is running out. Business is booming. Get in early, get in now, and rake in the profits whilst you still can.
Dare to dream.
— Joshua Zimmerman
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Joshua Zimmerman and his twin brother David are 3rd-year management students hailing from Delbarton, New Jersey who also confusingly carry British passports for some reason.
ABOUT THE TAINTPASS™: Currently undergoing stage 2 funding, the TaintPass™ secures students discounts at a little more than ten local business and first-access to any events hosted by the Clay Pigeon Club. Simply swipe your TaintPass™ across your taint when making a purchase with a partnered business and watch the discount come off your bill. It’s that simple!