Following Justin Timberlake’s performance at Dunhill in St Andrews last month, The Bejant Observer’s Theodore Rumball was lucky enough to catch him for a quick interview at the 18th hole. Here’s what Mr. “Dick in a Box” had to say.
Interviewer: So, Justin, how does it feel to be playing at the Old Course?
Justin Timberlake: Well, Theodore, it’s a dream come true. I met some billionaires today and I was pitching them my new business idea, and they were honestly ready to invest there and then, it’s fantastic. I can’t give you all the details now, but it’s going to be big, trust me.
Interviewer: Nice one Justin. What do you think about your performance though? I saw you only got a few birdies, do you think you could have performed better at the 4th hole?
JT: Well it’s funny you should say that actually, because I thought my game was on point. I mean I know I could’ve taken a bit longer to get the ball to the base – sorry, “hole” – but I thought I did well to get it in after 127 shots at the 4th. It was tough, because sometimes I don’t know my own strength and the ball just leaps into the hole, but I tried my best, and that’s what matters. And people got a good look at my new hoodie, for sure. When the photos come out, I think the sponsors are going to be really happy.
Interviewer: Okay… but what about your partner Justin Rose? What did he think about your strategy?
JT: You know, Teddy, the first I leaned about golf is that it’s all mental. So when your partner is screaming at you, when he’s shouting so close to your face that you can see the veins popping out of his forehead, you just have to tune it out, tightly grip the shaft of your 127 cm club and focus. I mean, he got some good applause when he hit the, uhh, ball close to the hole, but I think he would’ve done better if he’d taken a slightly longer route around, you know?
Interviewer: Justin, do you know how golf…?
JT: I mean I got applause on every shot I played, Theodore! And the crowd was just going nuts, they followed me everywhere just to see what route I would take with the ball! Will he hit it in the sandy part? Will he send it over their heads? Will he dare to hit a seagull? So, yeah, I think Justin (Rose) could definitely take some tips from me, and that Rory Maclemore guy should definitely get in touch too.
Interviewer: Well, thanks Justin, that was eye-opening.
JT: Yeah, no worries Theodore, see you next year!
Latest: In an official press release provided to the Observer by Dunhill, the organisation stated “in the strongest terms possible” that it has ended its association with Mr Timberlake.
—Tom R., Capricorn ’21