Man of absolutely no relevance involved in St Andrews car crash

St Andrews made headlines last month after a man of absolutely no relevance was involved in a car crash on Greyfriars Gardens.

The pile up affected virtually every vehicle on the street, diverting police resources to perhaps the largest collision/ road rage / paranormal activity / drink driving incident that the town has experienced in decades (delete as suitably sensationalist).

The man, who cannot be named due to his inconsequential existence, was most likely minding his own business when his Ford transit van came into collision with three other cars. The drivers of these vehicles have not been asked for a comment. Their physical condition and the success of their insurance claims remain unknown.

Actor Bill Murray, 69, the only person of whom eyewitness reports have been given, was some time later spotted at the scene. Mr Murray had spent a fleeting few minutes of his life in one of the cars earlier that day, making him a pivotal figure in the incident. Whilst Alfred Dunhill representatives have insisted that the actor was in fact not directly involved, this would leave no rational explanation as to why he was seen sporting a bandage on his right hand. The Ghostbusters star was also sighted wearing a cowboy hat at the time, and therefore it is only natural to assume that his return journey to the Old Course would have been made on horseback.

Fife Council have been contacted regarding their use of celebrity endorsement to support a proposed traffic ban on the city centre in order to make it more pedestrian friendly.

P. CONNORS

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